merlin 4x03

[sheswatching]

This can't be it. Right? Fuck. This is it. Jesus. I got so hardcore beyond everything triggered by this episode, I was sobbing basically the whole way through. Fuck. AND WHEN ARTHUR KISSED UTHER'S HEAD? I did that with my mom. And fucking Gwen. Look, don't defriend me for Gwen bashing 'cause this is obviously trigger-related, but srsly - habving people around who don't give a fuck about the person you're grieving over or who don't know them, that just makes you feel even more alone in your head, so her line to Arthur about just being there for him, sure I get it (and I know Merlin said a similar thing, but Uther was actually dead and not right there as Merlin said it), but JFC, Gwen, came off pretty fucking insensitive.

God. Bradley fucking James. You flawless most beautiful human being. You broke me. You were stunning. Your acting was flawless and so spot on.

I'm also feeling a huge huge HUGE disconnect with fandom right now, because everyone's squeeing over A/M and I'm like...JFC the things Arthur must be going through right now. And I'm glad Merlin's there for him, but I just guess this hit me in a lot of personal ways that I'm like who cares about A/M - his father just died. Definitely a complete Arthur stan here, or just so single-minded right now tht everything but Uther's death and Arthur feeling guilt over it...such personal triggers. God, his poor daddy issues. I just want to hide him from the world now. Oh man.

To sum up. I don't know if/how I'll be able to move on from this, you guys.